Rudy-Come-Lately
This just in: Rudy Giuliani is rooting for the Red Sox. That’s right. The former mayor of New York City, who keeps four Yankees World Series rings on his dresser, has pulled a reverse Johnny Damon and started cheering for a team whose World Series appearance should cause bile to rise to the back of his throat. This didn’t play so well when Bill Richardson tried it either.
I assume that Yankees fandom is sort of like a parallel universe version of the Red Sox Nation (which I guess makes us the evil version of Yankees fans, because George Steinbrenner won’t let his players grow goatees; but I digress). And I cannot under any circumstances imagine ever cheering for the Yankees to succeed at anything. They could be trying to keep a school bus full of children from falling over the edge of a bridge, and I’d be rooting for gravity.
So here’s a tip, Rudy: I cheer for two teams, the Boston Red Sox, and whoever’s playing the Yankees. You might want to try applying the bizarro version of that same logic if you want to convince voters that you actually stand for anything.
New TV Show Ideas
Joyce and I came up with two new reality show concepts last night. I’m posting them so that no one can steal them from us. Also, so that she can’t steal them from me:
G-8 PUB CRAWL: The leaders of the seven most powerful nations on earth (and Canada) fly from city to city on a worldwide bender. Last one standing is granted most favorable trade status by the others. Also, he can no longer pretend that Laura made him quit drinking when he turned 40.
(TO BE NAMED LATER): Four guys go into rough small-town bars on a Friday night and instigate trouble. We’re not sure of the legality of it, but we think that as long as they don’t throw the first punch or overtly threaten anyone, we’re covered. One of the guys is a mixed martial artist. The others are just wiseasses. Working title: “Three Pussies and a Gracie.”
A Uniter, Not a Divider
No one reading this will get a chance to vote for New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson in the presidential election, as his campaign will likely implode before the primaries. And that’s for the best, because this excerpt from his Meet the Press appearance should convince you that you can’t trust a word that the man says:
MR. RUSSERT: You spent a lot of time in, in Massachusetts. Are you a Red Sox fan?
GOV. RICHARDSON: I’m a Red Sox fan, but I got into trouble in New Hampshire. You know why? Because I said…
MR. RUSSERT: Luis Tiant, the fund-raiser. But, now, governor, this is very serious. In your book on page 18 it says…
GOV. RICHARDSON: No, about Mickey Mantle?
MR. RUSSERT: You said you’re a Yankee fan!
GOV. RICHARDSON: No, no, no. I said—no, no, no.
MR. RUSSERT: I mean, you can, you can…
GOV. RICHARDSON: No, no, no, no.
MR. RUSSERT: …you can have different views on immigration, assault weapons…
GOV. RICHARDSON: I, no no no no. No, what I said…
MR. RUSSERT: But when it comes to Red Sox, Yankees.
GOV. RICHARDSON: What I said, the Associated Press asked me, “If you weren’t running for president, if you weren’t running for president, what would you rather be?” I’ve always been a Red Sox fan, but I said if I weren’t running for president I would like to be number seven, Mickey Mantle, playing center field for the New York Yankees.
MR. RUSSERT: “Because of Mickey Mantle, I became a Yankee fan.”
GOV. RICHARDSON: I, my favorite team has always been the Red Sox.
MR. RUSSERT: You’re a Red Sox fan.
GOV. RICHARDSON: I’m a Red Sox fan.
MR. RUSSERT: End of subject.
GOV. RICHARDSON: End of subject.
MR. RUSSERT: You better get rid of this book.
GOV. RICHARDSON: Oh, no! I’m also a Yankee fan. I also like…
MR. RUSSERT: Oh, now, wait a minute!
GOV. RICHARDSON: You can—Tim…
MR. RUSSERT: I guarantee…
GOV. RICHARDSON: No, I know, I got in trouble…
MR. RUSSERT: …if you go—if you go to Yankee Stadium or Fenway, you cannot be both.
GOV. RICHARDSON: But I like—Mickey Mantle was my hero. If I weren’t running for president, and the Associated Press asked me, I’d play center field for the New York—I wanted to be number seven. And—but I still love the Red Sox as a team. I mean, this is the thing about me, Tim. I can bring people together. I can unify people.
MR. RUSSERT: Yankee fans and Red Sox fans?
GOV. RICHARDSON: Yes.
MR. RUSSERT: Not a chance.
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