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This just in: Rudy Giuliani is rooting for the Red Sox. That’s right. The former mayor of New York City, who keeps four Yankees World Series rings on his dresser, has pulled a reverse Johnny Damon and started cheering for a team whose World Series appearance should cause bile to rise to the back of his throat. This didn’t play so well when Bill Richardson tried it either.

I assume that Yankees fandom is sort of like a parallel universe version of the Red Sox Nation (which I guess makes us the evil version of Yankees fans, because George Steinbrenner won’t let his players grow goatees; but I digress). And I cannot under any circumstances imagine ever cheering for the Yankees to succeed at anything. They could be trying to keep a school bus full of children from falling over the edge of a bridge, and I’d be rooting for gravity.

So here’s a tip, Rudy: I cheer for two teams, the Boston Red Sox, and whoever’s playing the Yankees. You might want to try applying the bizarro version of that same logic if you want to convince voters that you actually stand for anything.